The long walk…
Here is my latest column for SW magazine, a demonstration of my charitable side – or should that be uncharitable…? You decide.
‘You may remember I wrote about the training I and some friends have been doing for a charity walking marathon. Well, yesterday we walked it. (Did I mention that we downgraded from the full marathon to half? Best decision I’ve made all year.) No exaggeration, it was horrendous. Truly, my worst few hours of this century so far – and I include in this the bit during childbirth before the anaesthetist arrived.
Two things we had failed to consider:
1. The route. We had imagined the river, the royal parks, monumental London, like a montage in a Hollywood movie when they always play The Clash. In reality, it began and ended at the O2 and was the bus route through Deptford and Rotherhithe towards Bermondsey. It was the underbelly.
2. The start time. We set off at five minutes past midnight. For the first few miles we were sustained by adrenaline and Tangfastics, but soon our bodies began protesting that, without wine, they should be asleep by now. At nine miles, one of us fell over and had to limp the rest of the way (there was no choice; it was either that or bed down in a doorway); another fainted and had to recover in a kebab shop.
At the finish line we raised a scowl for the well wishers and chucked our medals in the bin, grumbling at the lack of bacon sandwiches. We had completely forgotten why we were there or what each other’s names were.
‘Let’s just go home and forget the whole thing,’ we agreed.
But, oh no. The tube was shut, the buses few and far between and the organisers had not thought to alert the taxi companies, who were taking no bookings. The wait for a black cab was two hours. We arrived home at 7.30am, broken and shrunken-hearted.
And so to the moral: if you’re considering one of these nocturnal charitable endeavours, calculate how much you think you can raise in donations and write a cheque to the charity for half that amount. Spend the other half on dinner with someone who really makes you laugh.
That’s the way to do things by halves.’
First published in SW Magazine, November 2011 issue